He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
