so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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