I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
We left the knife in your bed.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.