My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?