She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun