im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
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No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
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I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?