I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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