I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
