I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
