checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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