If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Hippo gnu deer
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
