I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
