I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
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I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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