Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He? As in you personified your dick?
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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