so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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