I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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