Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
