Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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