I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
my liver is dry heaving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who died my cat blue again?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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