I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
