covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
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You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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