I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
