They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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