i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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