we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
