Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
