My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
this hospital has no fireball
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
