dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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