Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
