omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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