I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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