I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
