Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
