It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i wish my penis had a tongue
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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