Umm I'm too high to move.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
