Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
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Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
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Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
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