sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
