His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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