can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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