I used to practice getting hit by cars.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm way too hungover for life right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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