I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
