I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
