if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
