I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
