we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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