I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
