My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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