I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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