Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
