no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
