My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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