I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
