True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Someone signed my nipple.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
