Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
