Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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