i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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