Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
