He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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