i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
