That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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