I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
