I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
