I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
