hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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